Five hours in the public clinic makes me ponder about my parent's health condition in future. Am I emotionally prepared if they are "disabled" and in their 80's (if God permits)? I was sitting in front of a man, in his 40's, and a carer for a "disabled Father in Law" who is muted, wheelchaired, and pretty cranky.
Based on their "hair rising" conversation, his FIL wants to go back home, unable to wait to change his feeder tube. His Son IL tries his best not to get boiled up by his FIL tantrums. I know he is angry... I can feel it.
Getting treatment in public clinic can be a frustrating experience (However, the majority of us Malaysians realized we are the "top" health care provider in the world). It may take a whole day, but it is assured that we meet the Medical Officer upon visiting.
I look at my mom and start to think, am I prepared to be her reliable carer in the next 5 years? What will happen to me in next few months? As for now, I'm a stay-at-home daughter... fails to provide her financial support for anything she wishes. Am I wrong for doing a Ph.D.? Am I wrong for not getting any job right now? Am I wrong for not getting married? ... unanswered
Part of my destiny is entrenched. I do have flaws in taking care of my parent's needs. At this moment, I've failed taking care of myself too.
p/s: Never leave your "wheelchaired" parent unassisted... in any circumstances. I just saw a few carers did this in clinic today.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Sunday, April 2, 2017
Buat PhD? Kau Memang Gila !!! - Part 1
Mula2 sekali, aku harap korang tidak terkejut dan membuat tuduhan melulu selepas membaca tajuk blog aku. Jangan jadi typical Malaysian yang kurang membaca tapi ada natural chromosome sebagai keyboard warrior keh keh keh.
Sebenarnya aku dah lama membuat penangguhan (chewah ala2 pelajar universiti) untuk menceritakan pengalaman aku sebagai pelajar Doktor Falsafah (PhD).
Alhamdulillah aku sudah berjaya menamatkan pengajian PhD aku selama 4 tahun genap. Sudah tentunya aku bukan calon Graduate on Time (GOT). Maybe kalau belajar di United Kingdom, kira cantiklah timeline pengajian aku.
Sebelum itu, kalau ada sesiapa yang merasakan confession aku ini layak untuk diterjemahkan dalam Bahasa Inggeris atau bahasa2 lain, aku bagi lampu hijau awal2 kat korang. Tetapi tolong bagitahu aku ya. Kang salah terjemah, siap korang aku bom dengan Yersenia pestis.
Aku adalah graduan PhD di salah sebuah universiti terkemuka di Malaysia. Sepanjang penceritaan ini, korang mungkin dapat agak universiti mana. Sejujurnya aku tak rasa pun layak nak masuk IPTA, apetah lagi nak buat PhD. Aku tak pernah letak cita-cita tinggi untuk menyambung pengajian tinggi. Sampai sekarang aku masih mencari jawapan kenapa aku sambung PhD. Self-satisfaction? Revenge? Jobless? Ahh… tak mampu nak menjawab. Untuk pengetahuan korang, aku ni ada Dysleksia + Dyscalculia + ADHD. Naturally, sejak dari kecil aku memang bermusuh ketat dengan nombor dan ayat2 panjang berjela. Aku juga ada masalah dengan pemahaman Bahasa Inggeris dan juga Bahasa Melayu. Jadi maafkan aku kalau posting aku ini ada kecelaruan bahasa.
Untuk posting kali ini, aku nak berkongsi bagaimana cara aku survived di dalam dunia PhD yang penuh dengan pancaroba; specifically, dari segi pandangan insan yang ada masalah “mental” seperti aku. Maybe confession aku ni agak berbeza dari apa yang korang pernah baca. Hopefully you’ll enjoy reading this.
1) Sebelum register sebagai pelajar
Di sini aku nak bagitau korang yang sedang merancang nak mendaftar masuk sebagai pelajar PhD. Kepada mereka2 yang buat PhD dengan Supervisor (SV) yang sama time korang buat Master, boleh skip part ni kut. Yang nak lantik SV baru, please investigate background bakal SV korang tu. Kalau korang dipanggil temuduga dengan mereka, this is the good time korang menilai at least 20% characteristic bakal SV korang. Time nie juga korang patut tanya project yang korang nak buat tu ada geran ke tidak, facility cukup ke tidak, kebajikan pelajar ada ke tidak dan sebagainya. Korang jangan jadi macam aku, salah tilik muka orang… hahaha silap besar wei.. silaaaaappp !!!!
Lepas korang kena temuduga, cuba cari student yang buat research bawah seliaan dia. Berbual-bual ke atau dapatkan e-mail / no. telefon diorang. Time aku… tak dapat buat ni, sebab aku student pertama bawah SV aku. Memang cowboy betul la. Gamble aje. Aku kekadang rimas jugak budak2 dok tanya aku pasal SV. keh keh keh
Bila dah puas menyiasat, barulah come-out with your proposal. Pastikan buat elok2 la ye. Proposal yang bagus memudahkan korang dapat biasiswa. Time ni bakal SV korang pulak yang siasat korang.. keh… keh..keh. Rezeki aku kat situ. Dapat full scholarship melalui proposal.
2) Selepas Register
Bila dah selamat register tu pastikan yang korang sediakan borang permohonan biasiswa. Masa time aku dulu, aku masuk memang parallel dengan durasi biasiswa. Jadi takdelah kena makan biskut marie dengan kopi kosong hari-hari. Alhamdulillah. Sekiranya self-financial, korang dah kena start menyimpan sikit. Kenapa? Nanti aku elaborate kemudian.
Time ni jugak adalah masa yang sesuai untuk korang ambil subjek “wajib” yang telah digariskan universiti korang. Contoh, research methodology. Please lunaskan subjek ini awal2 sem. Aku dulu siap ambik kelas Bahasa Jepun. Harooom sampai sekarang tak fasih2. Suruh study lagu Miraie ngan lagu Doraemon pun tak pass. Dahla study bawah fakulti “Jepun”.... banyak tradisi Jepun kena belajar. Aku kalau disuruh makan Onigiri dengan chopstick pandai la... hahahah.
Sekiranya korang diberikan kubikel khas (macam aku, dapat duduk Postgraduate room khas bersama-sama rakan2 lain), ambil la sedikit masa untuk menghias tempat korang. Korang nak duduk di situ lama tau. Pastikan ada ruang solat dan sedikit ruang untuk rehat (bawakla bantal dan selimut satu). You will need it... Trust me. Bilik aku dulu dah macam musim sejuk kat Hokkaido. Kalau panas, macam Okinawa.
Dalam masa ini jugak, korang dah boleh buat literature review… cukuplah buat untuk Proposal Defence nanti. Pastikan korang jenis rajin “kejar” SV korang tu. Tapi pleaselah, jangan datang dengan “tangan kosong”…. Mestilah ada progress a.k.a data untuk tunjuk kat dia. Ini style department aku. Aku ada co-SV Japanese. Dia memang suka kalau aku datang jumpa dia dengan progress report. He’s not someone yang suka omong kosong. Bawak data bukanlah maksud korang automatic menjadi pakar. Boleh jadi itulah masa yang sesuai untuk diskusi permasalahan data korang tu. Jangan jadi blur please.
Anyone yang nak share cara korang “kejar” SV korang tu dialu-alukan untuk komen ya. Kita sama-sama belajar.
Okay part ini bagi aku penting. Bekas pelajar PhD semua tahu yang mereka akan jadi sangat sunyi bila tengah buat PhD. Benar, aku pun memang kena. Hanya Allah je yang tahu “penderitaan” aku. Aku nak nasihatkan korang untuk mencari “kawan seperjuangan” di dalam fakulti korang, at least dua tiga orang cukupla. Aku sebenarnya “senpai” dalam group aku. Hanya dua tiga orang je yang berusia 30-an. Lain2 semua usia 25, 26 tahun. Level psychology / maturity kami tak sama. Junior memerlukan korang untuk berkongsi masalah. Tapi yang geng-geng kertu nie nak mengadu kat siapa? Mengadu sesama sendiri la huhuhu. Geng PhD kertu aku ada yang Janda, Bini Orang, Bujang Lapok, dan Andalusia. Duda je takde dalam list.
I’m warning you. Jangan biarkan korang lalui “penderitaan” sendirian berhad ya. Cari kawan, cari kaunselor, atau cari SV (itupun kalau dapat SV jenis pandai pujuk dan bagi nasihat…. Yang jenis hardcore tu tak boleh buat apa lah... pasrah!!)
Aku harus berhenti di sini dulu. Untuk post seterusnya aku akan share konflik yang berlaku pada aku dan kawan2 aku ketika dalam pengajian, dan bagaimana kami menanganinya.
Tidur dulu !!!
Wednesday, January 18, 2017
Living famous -------- online
Good Evening all, thank you for patience, and I hope you'll enjoy today's rant of mine. I humbly welcome for those who just found my rant’s holy grail.
My dear, sweet readers,
For a long time, I keep wondering how famous am I (in a larger perspective, how INFLUENTIAL) to people that know me on the internet. I've been mingled myself inside the online world since 1996. By today, I'm able to keep my old yahoo e-mail accounts functional (That e-mail was created back in 1997). I think that was my biggest achievements to date… hahaha.
That doesn't make me a famous netizen. If my "internet knowledge" achievements are measured per today's standards (at least, a Malaysian standard). I’m nothing. I’m someone that lives with countless online aliases because I’m merely a cipher.
I applaud the new generations that take initiative to utilized the “goodness” of the internet. Truthfully, they just excel by having uncountable FB followers, become an Instafamous, and “twenty-four seven” keyboard warriors. Opppssss!!!
My friend constantly asked me about my tendency to keep small numbers of friends on my FB / Instagram account (375 friends is a HUGE number for me). I can't remember 75 percent of people that I used to be a friend before. Why I should keep them in my friend list anyway? Yes, it is a shame. Kejam giler !!!My ex-PhD supervisor thinks that I’m such a tacky girl because I usually leave his WhatsApp messages not replied. But, that is another story.. *cough* *cough*.
If you think I should stop embracing the social networking world, you are correct. I'm getting tired of it. I’ve been enslaved myself in the social networking world for 21 years. But, needing me to close my “virtual social” history? NO. I’ll just leave it clean and appropriate.
Some of my friend knows that I’m good when making some real friends. But, to have big circles of people as my close friends? NO. That does not work well for me. I’m a selective person. I don’t wish to experience that sort of “bond” because it has usually prevented me to spread myself to gain new friends.
Starting this year, I've decided to have a minimal amount of selfie picture on my FB and other social accounts. I’ll “filtered” it in a creative way (I’m talking about adding unrealistic color and presets to conceal my “trypophobic” cum wrinkled skin) because that is one way to express myself and to stay sane. I tend to hate a spotless/poreless selfie” nowadays. Perhaps, I’m trying too hard to be “beautiful”. I haven’t experienced this kind of critics in the past 7 years. Probably people talking how ugly am I behind my back, which is a childish and unharmed intention.
Who am I trying to kid anyway? The internet nowadays is a cruel world. I can’t change people’s perception of my figures. Therefore, let me be the ugly swan and unmarried (okay that is going too far) if I want it too… I’ll be happy about it.
As I’m writing this, I keep thinking why do I persist in staying blogging? I’m sure that nobody will take my words seriously… right?
My dear, sweet readers,
For a long time, I keep wondering how famous am I
That doesn't make me a famous netizen. If my "internet knowledge" achievements are measured per today's standards (at least, a Malaysian standard). I’m nothing. I’m someone that lives with countless online aliases because I’m merely a cipher.
I applaud the new generations that take initiative to utilized the “goodness” of the internet. My friend constantly asked me about my tendency to keep small numbers of friends on my FB / Instagram account (375 friends is a HUGE number for me). I can't remember 75 percent of people that I used to be a friend before. Why I should keep them in my friend list anyway? Yes, it is a shame. Kejam giler !!!
If you think I should stop embracing the social networking world, you are correct. I'm getting tired of it. I’ve been enslaved myself in the social networking world for 21 years. But, needing me to close my “virtual social” history? NO. I’ll just leave it clean and appropriate.
Some of my friend knows that I’m good when making some real friends. But, to have big circles of people as my close friends? NO. That does not work well for me. I’m a selective person. I don’t wish to experience that sort of “bond” because it has usually prevented me to spread myself to gain new friends.
Starting this year, I've decided to have a minimal amount of selfie picture on my FB and other social accounts. I’ll “filtered” it in a creative way (I’m talking about adding unrealistic color and presets to conceal my “trypophobic” cum wrinkled skin) because that is one way to express myself and to stay sane. I tend to hate a spotless/poreless selfie” nowadays. Perhaps, I’m trying too hard to be “beautiful”. I haven’t experienced this kind of critics in the past 7 years. Probably people talking how ugly am I behind my back, which is a childish and unharmed intention.
Who am I trying to kid anyway? The internet nowadays is a cruel world. I can’t change people’s perception of my figures. Therefore, let me be the ugly swan and unmarried (okay that is going too far) if I want it too… I’ll be happy about it.As I’m writing this, I keep thinking why do I persist in staying blogging? I’m sure that nobody will take my words seriously… right?
Tuesday, January 3, 2017
New year: More "single's statement" to come
Happy New Years to you,
I believe some of you have constructed a personal target for 2017. For me, I'm still reminiscing what are the bad moment I've encountered in 2016. Therefore, reduce chances of it to re-occur again this year. A few hours ago, I've looked my on FB memory list for past years post, and I can't help to write what I felt over this statement I've written back in 3 years ago (2014)
12 years ago... I was sitting down with few of my Dip. MLT (Medical Lab Technologist) friends with a survey paper in our hand to fill up. There is one question asking us what is our target age to get married. One of my female friends confidently writes 40 (yes.... FORTY). While others think her answer is funny, I feel "amazed" by it, and I ask her why? She thinks that she is not ready to get married and need more time to embrace the "freedom" and the beauty of the world. Me?.. I just stated 28 years old... Guess what, my 28 moment is full of crap and heartbreak. It makes me questioned myself if I'm relevant enough to get married since people defines me superficially and I myself wasn't sure what I can offer to make the marriage work. I never found "love" and wondering.... Maybe I should write "never married" if the questionnaire offers to fill in a blank option. No sweat!
Since I was a teenager, I've dreamed that by the age of 28 years old, I shall get married and have kids. Never in my goddamn mind thinking that my life might end single or at least, gets married in my 40's. My life during 28 years of age is so complicated, it makes me think that God is telling me that love and marriage for me is a no go.
You might say that whatever I felt is an itsy-bitsy problem. I don't mind about it. Currently, I'm in my mid-30's, and still a single lady with no "champion" to claims his love for me. In addition, I'm very lucky to be surrounded by friends that is single and in their 30's (some are 40's and 50's) as well. I wouldn't ask them why they are still single. Because, after judging their response to such questions uttered by other people, their response are defensive to my ear.... and I hate that.
Back in January 2016, I've confessed my love to a wrong guy. At least he told me he does love me before. But, I hate that he didn't come to "fight" to earned my love. I never blamed him or my other so-called exes. I blamed myself.... Personally, it's a "correct" way to do in order to forgive me.
Why I hate defensive responses when people asked about relationship status? It is because I believe, some of us do not "embracing" our current status itself. Do I like to be single, married, divorce, waiting for a miracle? So, I've come with these same answer, according to what I believe is a comforting, and humble responses.
For example,
Do I like to be single?
Yes, I do... Thank you.
Do you want to get married?
Why?
Because I can love myself more. I don't have enough slots to share my legal love to other people.
Probably your are unfit to get married.
Yes you are right, no doubts about that, and I'm not contributing to divorce case statistics<----- don't fucking say that... it's defensive
But YOUR religion encourages you to find a man to get married. You can't go anywhere without a man to protect you. You will earn more Pahala (blessing) for Jannah.
You shall pray for it... Every single day
I will *keep thinking that these idiots like to get themselves fucked and acting Trump to us*
Now, this is the point where you might become defensive. Those ignorant bastards think is your fault to not pray for a man to love. Please ditch your friend that says such ridiculous thing. This is the thing I hate to response when it comes to "religious-based" statement. If that was correct, if marriage is the only way to make a person happy, God should grant me a good man to protect me a looooog time ago. But nooo... He still left me here... hanging with my emotions. :p
I hope that this post will inspire single people like us to embrace our status, and prevents us from making any defensive statement just to save ourselves.
I was ditched because he told me that "Let God decides what is best for our jodoh (relationship)"
Honestly, I hate that. I decide not to argue and stop talking to him. How long... it depends on God decisions right???.
Recently, He asked my friends why am I stop talking to him.
Damn, can God tells him why I've stopped talking to him???.. bah !!!!!!
This is a mad world we live in...
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